I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize