I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
