i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
