onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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