so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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