Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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