I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
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