new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
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