This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
