I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
