So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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