I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
Randomize
