I wish I could teleport
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Randomize
