as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
You're like the curious george of whores
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
Randomize
