And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
