My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
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