Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
