I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Randomize
