you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I think a kid would responsible me up
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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