Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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