my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
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