Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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