hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
my liver is dry heaving
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
