Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I can't put those talents on a resume
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Randomize
