sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
