Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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