They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
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