There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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