Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
Randomize
