my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I could fuck to npr.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
