So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
