party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Floor bacon is actually really good
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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