i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Threesome in a minivan. New low
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Randomize
