Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
