I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
