Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
