Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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