Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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