And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
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