sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
