i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Randomize
