I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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