Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
