it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
