True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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