You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Randomize
