Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
