I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
