listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
