I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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