Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
