I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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