And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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