her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Who put my cat in the fridge?
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