I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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