I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
