YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
