The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
