Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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