I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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