So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
