WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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