She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
