Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
