You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
