I murdered the dance floor call the cops
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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