apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize