I am spending my child support on dildos
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
